I made it!

Okay, so I've only made it to Paris, but still, I consider this quite an accomplishment.  

My two flights were rather uneventful, but the fun really started once I got off the plane!  As soon as I landed, I checked my phone to call François (whom I'm staying with) to let him know that I have arrived.  For whatever reason, my phone isn't working (it's in perpetual SOS mode... grrr).  No phone means I have no way of contacting F to let him know 1) I've arrived, 2) I'm on my way, and 3) where we are going to meet.  No big deal for the first two, but the last one could be a little sketchy.  Luckily, I did have his address and general directions to his flat.

So to cope with my minor problem/freakout, I did what any American would do; I made friends with another American (can you say blind leading the blind?).  J was on my flight, about my age, looking for the same train, and just as confused/out of it as I was (woah, that Tylenol PM hit me hard!).  Perfect!  

Actually, we had no problems finding the train (well, we did stop at the info desk to ask for directions, to which we recieved the reply "follow the signs."  sweet).  Buying tickets for the train was slightly more difficult.  We easily found the ticket kiosk and could follow the directions for purchasing, but then our credit cards kept being rejected once we swiped them through the machine!  "Don't worry," I reply, "I have Euros."  Rejected!  The machine only takes coins and I only had paper.  OMG! WHAT ARE WE TO DO?!?!  This is about the point when a nice French guy stepped in and helped us/was probably impatient about waiting in line and wanted his ticket.  It turns out, you have to leave your card IN the swiper thing for it to work.  AH HA!  How sneaky those French are!  We got our tickets, got on the train, and made it to our stops without further problems.

From the train station, I began walking in the direction I thought F's place was and miraculously ran into him along the way.  "Your phone is dead. I was freaking out!" (yeah me, too).  Anyway, now I'm chillin at his place and trying to fix my phone (no luck so far).  I'm tempted to go outside to explore the area (he lives near Luxembourg gardens and it is really beautiful), but it is raining on and off.  hmmm we'll see.

Earthquake!!

You guys, earthquakes are so fun. Obviously, I'm really only talking about the baby earthquakes that don't cause very much damage but still shake things up a bit - I'm not exactly sitting around waiting for the hilarious and amazing times the "Big One" will bring. But really, they provide so much entertainment for years to come. I mean it. Years.

Here are some of my favorite earthquake memories:

1. 2009, Hawthorne, CA: Magnitude 4.1

Okay, so this one just happened about an hour ago. But since everyone is recapping the events of what happened when the quake hit using every possible form of communication (personal, telephone, gchat, twitter), I think it's fair to record this in LAMe! as well. There are two hilarious things that happened during and directly after the earthquake. First, I made an unintentional, yet somehow perfect, horrified jizz in my pants face as the quake hit. And I was staring right at V when I did it. Even as it was happening, I thought, "wow, that was pretty awkward/embarassing" and then she called me out on it. Thanks, V! And thanks, earthquake for making it possible! And while we're at it, thanks Lonely Island for your super catchy JIMP song. But that was only the beginning. Directly after the quake, my boss (who told us at lunch that he's the earthquake safety officer of our building) came running into the lab with his bright orange safety vest on, waiving his arms and screaming, "Evacuate! Evacuate! America is not safe!!"

2. 1906, San Francisco, CA: Magnitude 7.7

As many of you know, I went to farm camp. Well, farm camp is in Northern California and happens to lie right on the San Andreas Fault. During the first couple of days of camp, we have to do an earthquake drill and it's pretty boring and lame. My favorite part of it is when Dave Brown (yes, the then director of the camp was Farmer Brown) would tell us all that the 100+ year-old wood buildings, which survived the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, would be "totally safe" because they aren't actually stationed to the ground. He would then do this weird mojo dance as if to simulate the buildings floating over the ground. Sorry Dave, but I'm going to have to call BS on your "the 100 year-old buildings that are falling apart are totally safe for when the big one hits" argument. Sweet dance moves, though.

3. 1994, Northridge, CA: Magnitude 6.6

Okay, so this earthquake was actually pretty effing scary. However, during the quake, all 50 of my stuffed animals flew off of the loft they were displayed on and it looked like my Care-Bears could actually fly! I thought it was cool (aaaand I was 12).

4. 1997, Southern California: Magnitude unknown

Okay, so my next quake memory goes back to 8th grade when I was super cool and took zero-period Latin at the high school. Well screw you guys for laughing at me (I know you are), because zero-period Latin was filled with upper classmen hotties (an 8th grade girl's dream). But anyway, back to the quake. It was morning, we're all sitting in class studying when one of the hotties yelled, "earthquake!!" out of nowhere. As the rest of his hot friends were making fun of him, the room started to shake. It was as if this guy could sense the quake coming... and the crude comments from the hotties that ensued afterwards were priceless.

5. 2009, Lennox, CA: Magnitude 4.7

The hottie who cried quake story reminds me of the weird psychic-factor of earthquakes. For every quake, someone thinks they felt it first or knew it was coming. For example, every time I drive over the Bay Bridge in San Francisco, I think of the Loma Prieta Earthquake in 1989... and I tell everyone in the car about it. I drove over the bridge last Sunday and made my same comment. LATER THAT NIGHT THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE IN LOS ANGELES!!! OMG you guys, I'm totally psychic!!

Sooo... there you have it. There are my top 5 earthquake memories (feel free to leave some of your own. I'm sure you all have them!). Also, sorry for being MIA (as in absent, not impersonating the singer) for the past month. My life is uber busy/I'm kinda a big deal.

you lose.

Have you ever noticed that there are some arguments that you just can't win? I think the best example of this is: "I'm not that drunk." It doesn't matter how drunk you are (or aren't). As soon as that statement leaves your lips, there is no turning back. Especially when it comes to drinking. People start to bring up the denial factor or the impaired judgement factor: "You see, when you drink alcohol, your judgement is impaired and so even though you don't feel drunk or don't think you are, you really are." Sweet counter-argument. I had never heard anything like that about the effects of alcohol consumption. And you're right. I wouldn't have any idea of how intoxicated I am... You may as well give up instantly, because nobody will believe that you're "not that drunk" (I realized the futility of this argument during a run-in with a bouncer on the night of the infamous Sharkeez incident).

Another classic is: "I don't have a crush on that boy." Sure you don't. People love a good crush situation (especially if they were clever enough to spot this "crush" forming): "Yes, you do have a crush on that boy... you sooo like him." Once, this counter-argument was so strong that even I was convinced by the end! This was back in my barister days (whoops, I mean barista days) at the Coffee Bean. Every day this one cute boy would come in around 8:00 and once, when prodded by my fellow baristas, I made the mistake of saying I thought he was cute. Now, saying someone is cute is NOT the same as having a huge crush on them. But next thing I knew, I was a hot mess every time he came in. I would turn tomato red. I would fumble and spill piping hot coffee all over my hand. Once, I even gave him more money in change than he actually paid with. Maybe I did have a crush on this Coffee Bean boy. Or maybe, it was my coworkers in the background calling out, "you looove him" and making smooching noises every time he walked in.

But I think my favorite is -- and people, you really shouldn't ever say this unless you actually want people to believe the opposite of it -- but anyway, my favorite is: "We were not having butt sex." Are you kidding me?! Of course you were!! Once in college, I accidently walked in on two people hooking up (these things happen in college). As soon as I realized what I had walked in on, I bolted. The entire thing happened so quickly that I didn't even entirely notice what was going on. I was ready to wipe the entire thing from my memory when the couple approached me a little later.

Here's what went down:

Me: OMG I'm so sorry! The door was ajar and I really didn't know you were in there!

Couple: Oh no, don't worry about it. We thought you had class... and we should have locked the door or something.

Me: Oh well... I'll just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Couple: Cool. But there was one thing. After you left, we realized that it may have looked like we were having butt sex when you walked in.

Me (thinking to myself, what?!): Oh. No, I didn't really see anything... it's fine, really.

Couple: Well, we just want to clarify. We WERE NOT having butt sex.

Me: Okay.

Couple: Like not at all. No butt sex here. None.

For the record, this thought had never crossed my mind. Never in a million years would I have come to that conclusion about the events of earlier that day. Until they said it. "We were not having butt sex" was all they had to say to convince me, beyond a doubt, that that was what was really going down on that fateful day.

Paper Chaser?

I'm just wondering, when did the term "paper chaser" become common knowledge? Because for me, it was only a short while ago. In fact, I wasn't really aware of the term until I was listening to TI and Rihanna's new hit song "Live Your Life." I thought: hmm, paper chaser, yeah I get it. What a great new phrase!

Urban Dictionary definition:
Paper Chaser:
Someone that's about their money. Someone thats trying to get paid by all means neccesary no matter what it is. Whether its a regular 9-5 job or being a drug dealer or a prostitute. Someone who will never stop trying to get paid.
Example: "That broad is a golddigger." "Nah dude she a straight paper chaser."

Since then I've seen "paper chaser" everywhere. Like everywhere. I was looking to buy TI's new album for a Christmas gift for my brother and I came across maybe five different albums with songs that included "paper chaser" in the title. And I was in target. Not online searching for "paper chaser." And then this morning, I was driving to work when Ice Cube's "You Can Do It Put Your Back Into It" came on. I was kind of excited since I always associate the song with "Save the Last Dance" (which came out years ago in high school). Then, out of nowhere, BAM! Paper Chaser in the song! Really?

Seeing some recent rap albums with paper chaser songs on them in Target didn't make me feel out of touch. In fact, I felt a little more hip (a clear sign that I'm old and out of touch) by noticing all of the references to paper chasing. But I was a little shocked by the older reference. This means that I have missed out on saying "paper chaser" for years (and I'm obviously going to try to make references to paper chasers as often as possible now). Am I so out of touch? Is this like missing out on "OMG" for like ten years before it became popular? I'm really disappointed in myself.

On a completely different note, happy new year! And thank you to all of my Bowdoin friends who made it all the way to LA to attend my super sweet new year's eve party (since I know you've all made Look at Me! Look at Me! your homepage).