Hooked Up.

I have a problem and it's kind of weird and random: I am constantly getting hooked up with free coffee.

"WTF?!" you may scoff, "Wow, J, you lead such a difficult life full of challenges!"

But seriously, getting hooked up with free coffee is a big problem for me. And it happens all the time. Here's the thing: if I wanted a cup of caffeinated drink the size of my head, I would have ordered one. I am not ordering a small or a medium because I'm too cheap to order the large! I am ordering that size because that is the volume of beverage I would like to consume.

Of course, if someone hooks me up with a Big-Gulp size of iced coffee, I'm going to drink it. And then I'm going to be sick. This is no exaggeration. Once, I ordered an Iced Dunkaccino from Dunkin' Donuts (a mistake in and of itself - too much sugar!) and the guy hooked me up with a giant size. Several hours (and, admittedly, some munchkins) later, I puked at my sister's graduation dinner. Actually, it wasn't quite at the dinner; I managed to run outside and puke on the side of the building instead. Bottom line: that damn giant Dunkaccino made me sick!!

Last week, the guys at Starbiz gave me a large (or, excuse me, Venti? I wouldn't even know, because I never order that size) iced coffee. It took me like 3 hours to finish it and I ended up walking into a biochem review session twitching from caffeine overload.

And today, I got the biggest hookup of them all! At the Bean, I ordered a medium iced tea. In case any of you are wondering (and I know you were), my order is half Swedish Berries and half Japanese Cherry or Strawberry Cream Green Tea. This drink is BOMB (that's right, I said it was bomb. In 2009. I'm bringing "bomb" back). It also makes you feel special because it's like a secret combo or something... kind of like ordering "animal style" from In-N-Out.

Anyway, I ordered a medium and the guy makes me a large. Totally not surprising to me given my tendency to get hooked up with these things. Then, he full-on pours ANOTHER drink, looks me in the eye and goes, "Whoops! I made two! Do you want the other one, too?" Are you kidding me?! I ended up turning him down, which was kind of tough since he put up a fight. But seriously, I don't think I could have physically fit that much liquid in my body. And I was really only ordering a drink to be polite about setting up camp and studying there for a while; I wasn't even thirsty!

So here's my point: Even though it seems like it would be super sweet to constantly be given extra caffeinated drinks for free, it really is a burden and often leads to me puking on the side of a building (and by "often," I mean, once). It also makes me wonder why I'm getting these hookups. Do I look super tired (euphemism for crappy) and in need of caffeine? Or is it that I'm just so unbelievably cute and nice that people (it's always boy baristas, now that I think of it) can't help but want to hook me up? I'd like to think it's the latter. Sadly, it's probably the former.

you lose.

Have you ever noticed that there are some arguments that you just can't win? I think the best example of this is: "I'm not that drunk." It doesn't matter how drunk you are (or aren't). As soon as that statement leaves your lips, there is no turning back. Especially when it comes to drinking. People start to bring up the denial factor or the impaired judgement factor: "You see, when you drink alcohol, your judgement is impaired and so even though you don't feel drunk or don't think you are, you really are." Sweet counter-argument. I had never heard anything like that about the effects of alcohol consumption. And you're right. I wouldn't have any idea of how intoxicated I am... You may as well give up instantly, because nobody will believe that you're "not that drunk" (I realized the futility of this argument during a run-in with a bouncer on the night of the infamous Sharkeez incident).

Another classic is: "I don't have a crush on that boy." Sure you don't. People love a good crush situation (especially if they were clever enough to spot this "crush" forming): "Yes, you do have a crush on that boy... you sooo like him." Once, this counter-argument was so strong that even I was convinced by the end! This was back in my barister days (whoops, I mean barista days) at the Coffee Bean. Every day this one cute boy would come in around 8:00 and once, when prodded by my fellow baristas, I made the mistake of saying I thought he was cute. Now, saying someone is cute is NOT the same as having a huge crush on them. But next thing I knew, I was a hot mess every time he came in. I would turn tomato red. I would fumble and spill piping hot coffee all over my hand. Once, I even gave him more money in change than he actually paid with. Maybe I did have a crush on this Coffee Bean boy. Or maybe, it was my coworkers in the background calling out, "you looove him" and making smooching noises every time he walked in.

But I think my favorite is -- and people, you really shouldn't ever say this unless you actually want people to believe the opposite of it -- but anyway, my favorite is: "We were not having butt sex." Are you kidding me?! Of course you were!! Once in college, I accidently walked in on two people hooking up (these things happen in college). As soon as I realized what I had walked in on, I bolted. The entire thing happened so quickly that I didn't even entirely notice what was going on. I was ready to wipe the entire thing from my memory when the couple approached me a little later.

Here's what went down:

Me: OMG I'm so sorry! The door was ajar and I really didn't know you were in there!

Couple: Oh no, don't worry about it. We thought you had class... and we should have locked the door or something.

Me: Oh well... I'll just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Couple: Cool. But there was one thing. After you left, we realized that it may have looked like we were having butt sex when you walked in.

Me (thinking to myself, what?!): Oh. No, I didn't really see anything... it's fine, really.

Couple: Well, we just want to clarify. We WERE NOT having butt sex.

Me: Okay.

Couple: Like not at all. No butt sex here. None.

For the record, this thought had never crossed my mind. Never in a million years would I have come to that conclusion about the events of earlier that day. Until they said it. "We were not having butt sex" was all they had to say to convince me, beyond a doubt, that that was what was really going down on that fateful day.