HVD!

From now on, I think I'm going to say "HVD!" instead of Happy Valentine's Day. Mostly because this sounds like some kind of virus (HPV? HSV?) and that feels a little more appropriate.

Okay, before you get all, "Whoa, calm down, single girl!" on me, I'm just going to let you know that I'm not a bitter Valentine's Day loner or anything. I just kind of think VD is lame (both Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease, for the record).

There's a lot of pressure involved.

If you're in a relationship there's pressure to be super romantic. Or even if you're not going big, you probably have to at least make dinner reservations or cook a fancypants dinner and that can be a pain. You also have to get/make a gift, which can also be super stressful (Unless you're my mom, who got my stepdad a card... and then turned to her friend and gave her a card AND a stuffed animal. That had to burn for my stepdad).

If you're starting out a new relationship (or something along those lines) VD is mostly awkward. (OMG, what does it all mean?! Does he actually like me or is he just being nice? He got me jewelry... I got him a card. Does this mean I should sleep with him? STRESS!)

If you're a single girl, there's the obligatory "we're single girls and don't need valentines" dinner. Which can be fun. But also feels a little contrived at times.

In defense of VD, here are some things that I love about it:

• At Obligatory Single Girls Dinner, someone usually shares some good dirt (fine, usually it's me. Whatever).
• It's a great excuse to wear pink. And red. AT THE SAME TIME.
• All of those cheesy gifts/stuffed animals are pretty cute.
• Back in the good old days, I used to make my own Valentines and VD cookies, which was pretty fun (Ah, I used to be so artsy and domestic).
• I'm totally fascinated by quasi-scientific articles like "The Science Behind Kissing"

On that note, HVD! Whether you hate it or love it, at least you don't have to worry about it for another year :)

Excuses

I guess you could say I'm kind of an over-analyzer.

This is usually a good thing. For example before making a big purchase, I think to myself, "Do I really need this ____?" If the item of debate is an expensive pair of shoes, I might pass. However, if it's a pink and white striped OnePiece Jumpsuit special ordered from England, the answer is YES.

While it may be good for my wallet, I've recently realized that my tendency to over think everything may be getting in the way of my love life. Here's what happens: As soon as I think I might like somebody, I think about any consequences to pursuing it, and then find/make an excuse for why it shouldn't happen/wouldn't work. And then I wonder why I'm home alone reading Jane Eyre while I can hear my roommate having sex in the room across the hall.

You guys, I'm an excuse-maker!! Big time!! For kicks, here are my top 5 excuses for not making out with someone (and why they're dumb):

5. "We're in the same class... things could get weird." Okay, sure. In med school, we see a lot of each other and that could be awkward. But with time, these things pass (and really aren't that big of a deal).

4. "2 years ago, my friends got in a big fight over him/both hooked up with him." Actually, I think this is still a legit excuse.

3. "When he told my roommate he was interested, she responded with, 'She has too much dignity to hook up with you.' And then she told me." Right.

2. "I don't want to ruin the carpool." While this might sound ridiculous, I just need to say (in my defense) that this was a really good carpool. As in 110 North Carpool Lane through Downtown LA during morning rush hour good.

1. "I don't want to ruin the friendship." This is my most common excuse. And it's total bullshit. Chances are, I'm not that good of friends with the guy. And if we really are that close, our friendship will survive anyway.

So there you have it... here are my top excuses. What are yours?

on hold...

Love is in the air, my friends. Since medical school started, I have been to four weddings. In that same time, seven (SEVEN!!!) of my close friends or family (one was my brother) have become engaged. And these are just the people I’m close to; I’m not even including classmates (4 engagements, that I know of), or acquaintances (these numbers are staggering).

However, I'm nowhere near tying the knot. Before med school, everyone told me, “Don’t worry. You’ll find someone in medical school.” Now that I’m here, I’m not so sure. You see, dating in med school is not easy and even a little awkward.

First, you have to meet someone. This is easier said than done. Probably the biggest barrier to meeting new people is medical school. Or really, all of the studying I have to do to remain in medical school. Basically, I study all the time (this topic has already been extensively discussed). If I’m not studying, I’m doing some kind of extracurricular activity related to medical school (volunteering at Outreach Clinic, chauffeuring Buddhist monks around, etc). What I’m saying is I barely get the chance to interact with people outside of school (I actually tried to get my mom to pay for my membership at a fancy gym, claiming it was an investment in my future; my parents are desperate to marry me off. It didn’t work).

You’re probably thinking, “But once you finally do get out there, meeting people is easy. As a doctor in training, you should have decent people skills.” Wrong! First of all, let’s not make any assumptions about people skills. These days, holding a conversation about anything other than medicine, science, or studying is nearly impossible for me. For some reason, this makes it difficult to connect with people.

Forget about dating someone in my class. With all of this studying and learning, we spend all day, everyday with each other. And this will be the case for the next couple of years. On top of that, everyone knows everyone else’s business. No thanks, on the extra helping of drama.

So that leaves me alone, quickly approaching Advanced Maternal Age, a topic I’m well aware of thanks to Genetics, Physiology, and shadowing in Labor and Delivery. Trisomy 21, anyone?

How to pick up boys

I recently took a trip to Las Vegas for Spring Break (yup, I'm totally Livin' the Dream as a med student these days). In addition to the good times dancing, drinking, eating, (not) sleeping that Vegas usually provides, I came back from this trip with a new valuable skill: I learned how to pick up boys. Okay, so I haven't actually practiced this skill (at 27 years old, I don't want to jump into things), but I had the honor of observing the Masters at work one day at the pool.

Here are some fool-proof tips that should help any girl find love in Sin City:

1) Get a good spray tan. If you plan on spending all day poolside (umm... it's Vegas), you better be prepared with a toned/tanned body. Or at least have a tan... which can make up for lack of tone. But remember! Don't forget the sunscreen! A sunburn out at the club later that night looks pretty lame.

2) Start drinking early. My mentors had been hitting their water bottles of redbull-vodka since at least 10am... if not earlier. Definitely makes you look "fun" and "spontaneous" and can help take the edge off if you're feeling a little nervous about your people skills. If you're feeling cheap or don't have your own source of booze, just walk up to the bar, find some middle-aged guys and make them buy you shots. They'll do it, I promise... especially if you have a good spray tan.

3) Play games. Here are some of my favorites:

• "Oh my god, you guys! Guess our names!" (perfect if you're in a group... can keep conversation going for minutes... just imagine how many names are out there!).
• "Guess which ones of us have boyfriends!"
• "So if you had to choose... which one of us do you think would get married first?"

4) Stake a claim. If a certain boy has caught your eye, let everyone know by trading sunglasses with him. Don't know how to initiate the trade? Here's a good ice-breaker: "OMG I love your glasses! Let's switch!" (and then you hand out yours and/or grab his). This will also make the boy feel special because you liked his glasses and/or because you're paying attention to him.

5) Make him work for it. If it's been hours at the pool and you're pretty sure but not positive that he's into you, try a little test: make him do something for you. For example, you could throw your camera into the ice-cold pool and make him fish it out ASAP so it doesn't get "ruined" (he doesn't need to know it's a waterproof camera).

6) Get "married" at the pool. Great play on the Vegas wedding concept. Pick your favorite boy and have a fake wedding complete with bridesmaids/groomsmen and speeches. If you really want to commit to the idea, you should friend him on fb and announce your marriage... like that same day.

7) Make evening plans. Eventually, the pool is going to close and you're going to have to go back to the room and get ready for the evening. At some point in the day, exchange numbers. Then, that night while at dinner text the shit out of him. I mean... umm... get your text-flirt on and keep mentioning how badly you want to meet up.

8) Late-night meet-up. FINALLY! The time has come for you to reunite with your love after an excruciatingly long separation during dinner and the evenings activities! If you're staying in the same hotel, meet in the lobby or something. This way you can "gamble" for like 10 minutes and then go back to one of your rooms. SUCCESS!!

Now, a note of caution about going back to someone's room... or bringing them back to your own: ACT FAST! If there are a bunch of you staying in one room, then inevitably, somebody will get to the room first and everyone else will be left homeless (and, more importantly, without a good place to hook up... luckily for me, this isn't too big of a problem; I went to boarding school where I learned to be very creative). If you have slutty friends, then they will box you out of your own room and you will be left roaming the casino/hotel/Vegas strip drunkenly snuggling with your new lover... until like 6am. So seriously. Don't screw around pretending like you want to do anything other than going back to the room. GO STRAIGHT THERE!! Also, don't worry about safety. It's Vegas; everyone is totally trustworthy and only has the best intentions.

Hooked Up.

I have a problem and it's kind of weird and random: I am constantly getting hooked up with free coffee.

"WTF?!" you may scoff, "Wow, J, you lead such a difficult life full of challenges!"

But seriously, getting hooked up with free coffee is a big problem for me. And it happens all the time. Here's the thing: if I wanted a cup of caffeinated drink the size of my head, I would have ordered one. I am not ordering a small or a medium because I'm too cheap to order the large! I am ordering that size because that is the volume of beverage I would like to consume.

Of course, if someone hooks me up with a Big-Gulp size of iced coffee, I'm going to drink it. And then I'm going to be sick. This is no exaggeration. Once, I ordered an Iced Dunkaccino from Dunkin' Donuts (a mistake in and of itself - too much sugar!) and the guy hooked me up with a giant size. Several hours (and, admittedly, some munchkins) later, I puked at my sister's graduation dinner. Actually, it wasn't quite at the dinner; I managed to run outside and puke on the side of the building instead. Bottom line: that damn giant Dunkaccino made me sick!!

Last week, the guys at Starbiz gave me a large (or, excuse me, Venti? I wouldn't even know, because I never order that size) iced coffee. It took me like 3 hours to finish it and I ended up walking into a biochem review session twitching from caffeine overload.

And today, I got the biggest hookup of them all! At the Bean, I ordered a medium iced tea. In case any of you are wondering (and I know you were), my order is half Swedish Berries and half Japanese Cherry or Strawberry Cream Green Tea. This drink is BOMB (that's right, I said it was bomb. In 2009. I'm bringing "bomb" back). It also makes you feel special because it's like a secret combo or something... kind of like ordering "animal style" from In-N-Out.

Anyway, I ordered a medium and the guy makes me a large. Totally not surprising to me given my tendency to get hooked up with these things. Then, he full-on pours ANOTHER drink, looks me in the eye and goes, "Whoops! I made two! Do you want the other one, too?" Are you kidding me?! I ended up turning him down, which was kind of tough since he put up a fight. But seriously, I don't think I could have physically fit that much liquid in my body. And I was really only ordering a drink to be polite about setting up camp and studying there for a while; I wasn't even thirsty!

So here's my point: Even though it seems like it would be super sweet to constantly be given extra caffeinated drinks for free, it really is a burden and often leads to me puking on the side of a building (and by "often," I mean, once). It also makes me wonder why I'm getting these hookups. Do I look super tired (euphemism for crappy) and in need of caffeine? Or is it that I'm just so unbelievably cute and nice that people (it's always boy baristas, now that I think of it) can't help but want to hook me up? I'd like to think it's the latter. Sadly, it's probably the former.

MS1

I started med school, you guys! So far, my life has been filled with dramatic changes. For example, I recently changed my igoogle theme from "farm animals" to "radiohead." I also changed my gmail theme from "candy" to "ninjas." This last one has been life-changing. Remember how much I used to love those cutesy little cartoon girls eating their cutesy candies? Well, the new med student version of me is way too hardcore to put up with such saccharine google themes. "Ninjas" is much better suited for my new lifestyle. Now, every time I log onto email (which is, admittedly, significantly less often than I used to), I see cutesy cartoon ninjas kickin' ass all over my emails. Kickin' ass just like I am in med school!*

Another fairly significant change in my life is that I study all the time. And it's not just me. Everyone around me is studying pretty much always. I've actually never heard of so much studying before. It's pretty much all that everyone ever talks about.

For example: It's Friday afternoon and everyone is going his/her separate way (i.e. to his/her respective study group). In parting, this conversation can frequently be overheard (I will color coordinate the speakers to avoid confusion):

"Hey! Whatcha gonna do this weekend? Study?!"

"Yeah, I'm pretty much going to study all weekend."

"Me too, I have so much to do. There is just SO MUCH material. I just really need to study it all."

"Well, if you want, maybe we can study together later."

"Yeah, sounds good... maybe after I study this a little on my own first."

"Okay, well see you later! Good luck with your studying!"

WTF?! Are you kidding me?! Studying should never be the subject of conversation for longer than, let's say... um... EVER! Hopefully we'll develop personalities and start talking about important/interesting things. Like who is going to hook up at this weekend's student-faculty retreat.

*Just to clarify, my school is pass/fail and intent on fostering a non-competitive and cooperative learning environment; we are learning to be "good friends," in the words of the head of the Biochemistry department. So, when I say I'm "kickin' ass," I mean, I'm kickin' biochemistry's ass. And by "kickin' biochemistry's ass," I mean, I just want to pass.

you lose.

Have you ever noticed that there are some arguments that you just can't win? I think the best example of this is: "I'm not that drunk." It doesn't matter how drunk you are (or aren't). As soon as that statement leaves your lips, there is no turning back. Especially when it comes to drinking. People start to bring up the denial factor or the impaired judgement factor: "You see, when you drink alcohol, your judgement is impaired and so even though you don't feel drunk or don't think you are, you really are." Sweet counter-argument. I had never heard anything like that about the effects of alcohol consumption. And you're right. I wouldn't have any idea of how intoxicated I am... You may as well give up instantly, because nobody will believe that you're "not that drunk" (I realized the futility of this argument during a run-in with a bouncer on the night of the infamous Sharkeez incident).

Another classic is: "I don't have a crush on that boy." Sure you don't. People love a good crush situation (especially if they were clever enough to spot this "crush" forming): "Yes, you do have a crush on that boy... you sooo like him." Once, this counter-argument was so strong that even I was convinced by the end! This was back in my barister days (whoops, I mean barista days) at the Coffee Bean. Every day this one cute boy would come in around 8:00 and once, when prodded by my fellow baristas, I made the mistake of saying I thought he was cute. Now, saying someone is cute is NOT the same as having a huge crush on them. But next thing I knew, I was a hot mess every time he came in. I would turn tomato red. I would fumble and spill piping hot coffee all over my hand. Once, I even gave him more money in change than he actually paid with. Maybe I did have a crush on this Coffee Bean boy. Or maybe, it was my coworkers in the background calling out, "you looove him" and making smooching noises every time he walked in.

But I think my favorite is -- and people, you really shouldn't ever say this unless you actually want people to believe the opposite of it -- but anyway, my favorite is: "We were not having butt sex." Are you kidding me?! Of course you were!! Once in college, I accidently walked in on two people hooking up (these things happen in college). As soon as I realized what I had walked in on, I bolted. The entire thing happened so quickly that I didn't even entirely notice what was going on. I was ready to wipe the entire thing from my memory when the couple approached me a little later.

Here's what went down:

Me: OMG I'm so sorry! The door was ajar and I really didn't know you were in there!

Couple: Oh no, don't worry about it. We thought you had class... and we should have locked the door or something.

Me: Oh well... I'll just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Couple: Cool. But there was one thing. After you left, we realized that it may have looked like we were having butt sex when you walked in.

Me (thinking to myself, what?!): Oh. No, I didn't really see anything... it's fine, really.

Couple: Well, we just want to clarify. We WERE NOT having butt sex.

Me: Okay.

Couple: Like not at all. No butt sex here. None.

For the record, this thought had never crossed my mind. Never in a million years would I have come to that conclusion about the events of earlier that day. Until they said it. "We were not having butt sex" was all they had to say to convince me, beyond a doubt, that that was what was really going down on that fateful day.