Wingman

Last night we went out in Coconut Grove. At one point in the evening L and I had the "pleasure" of talking to a guy while his friend hit on the other girl in our group. This was a classic wingman situation.
Why do guys feel the need to play wingman in the first place? It's not like L and I were lost without our friend. We also were totally fine with letting her talk to this new guy. It's not like we were going to take her away from the interested guy.
But whatever, this wingman was kinda cute and seemed nice enough so L and I decided to play along.
You guys!! This wingman was the WORST! First of all, he hated everything. Everything. For no reason. He hated LA. He hated pediatrics (he's a lawyer, but thought about medicine first). L told him she does research on birds and he immediately asked her the best way to kill the parrots that wake him up every morning. Because he hates them. He also hates old people, Miami, vaginas, the Westchester Country Club, the Palace (an apartment building near L in Miami). He likely also hated his friend for making him play wingman.
Don't worry guys, he did love one thing: UFC. Which I hate.
Worst wingman ever.

you lose.

Have you ever noticed that there are some arguments that you just can't win? I think the best example of this is: "I'm not that drunk." It doesn't matter how drunk you are (or aren't). As soon as that statement leaves your lips, there is no turning back. Especially when it comes to drinking. People start to bring up the denial factor or the impaired judgement factor: "You see, when you drink alcohol, your judgement is impaired and so even though you don't feel drunk or don't think you are, you really are." Sweet counter-argument. I had never heard anything like that about the effects of alcohol consumption. And you're right. I wouldn't have any idea of how intoxicated I am... You may as well give up instantly, because nobody will believe that you're "not that drunk" (I realized the futility of this argument during a run-in with a bouncer on the night of the infamous Sharkeez incident).

Another classic is: "I don't have a crush on that boy." Sure you don't. People love a good crush situation (especially if they were clever enough to spot this "crush" forming): "Yes, you do have a crush on that boy... you sooo like him." Once, this counter-argument was so strong that even I was convinced by the end! This was back in my barister days (whoops, I mean barista days) at the Coffee Bean. Every day this one cute boy would come in around 8:00 and once, when prodded by my fellow baristas, I made the mistake of saying I thought he was cute. Now, saying someone is cute is NOT the same as having a huge crush on them. But next thing I knew, I was a hot mess every time he came in. I would turn tomato red. I would fumble and spill piping hot coffee all over my hand. Once, I even gave him more money in change than he actually paid with. Maybe I did have a crush on this Coffee Bean boy. Or maybe, it was my coworkers in the background calling out, "you looove him" and making smooching noises every time he walked in.

But I think my favorite is -- and people, you really shouldn't ever say this unless you actually want people to believe the opposite of it -- but anyway, my favorite is: "We were not having butt sex." Are you kidding me?! Of course you were!! Once in college, I accidently walked in on two people hooking up (these things happen in college). As soon as I realized what I had walked in on, I bolted. The entire thing happened so quickly that I didn't even entirely notice what was going on. I was ready to wipe the entire thing from my memory when the couple approached me a little later.

Here's what went down:

Me: OMG I'm so sorry! The door was ajar and I really didn't know you were in there!

Couple: Oh no, don't worry about it. We thought you had class... and we should have locked the door or something.

Me: Oh well... I'll just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Couple: Cool. But there was one thing. After you left, we realized that it may have looked like we were having butt sex when you walked in.

Me (thinking to myself, what?!): Oh. No, I didn't really see anything... it's fine, really.

Couple: Well, we just want to clarify. We WERE NOT having butt sex.

Me: Okay.

Couple: Like not at all. No butt sex here. None.

For the record, this thought had never crossed my mind. Never in a million years would I have come to that conclusion about the events of earlier that day. Until they said it. "We were not having butt sex" was all they had to say to convince me, beyond a doubt, that that was what was really going down on that fateful day.